Chip Businessface – Getting Down to –> DOT <

What the fuck is “Insider Trading” anyway? (An insider’s guide to how to be rich in prison.)

So how’s this for a good round of some bullshit?

I’ve spent the last two years in “Club Med” federal prison, thanking my accountant for his wicked ability to spread money in various accounts across the world (the Cayman Islands are nice), but now I’m BACK BABY!

This means we’re going to go right back to gettin down to dot biz. I mean, seriously, it’s been way too long. And this botox and cucumber facial scrub ain’t gonna pay for itself. Today, I’ve realized that many of my most successful friends shared a lot of tips for me that helped keep me from getting ass raped in the joint. But let’s be real, I was still drinking champagne and had my feet up near a tennis court with a guy that would occasionally walk by and ask me if I needed a fresh silk handkerchief or some sunscreen. And it wasn’t Dom, but you can’t have everything, right? Especially if you’re an “insider.” Trust me, I’m insider.

That was humor. But I digress.

Tip One: Buddy up with the cook, or even better hire a personal chef.

When you’re in prison, let’s face it, you’re not going to have much to do but eat and talk about stock swaps or hostile takeovers. And now that I’m out of prison, those hostile takeovers are going to be a lot more literal – as in I’m going to takeover some ass in a truly maniacal way. But besides my suddenly raging libido, there isn’t much to do. Which means you’ve gotta eat in style. At first, they’re not going to give you perks like a personal chef.

Bribery gets you everywhere eventually.

I recall when I was out with Raul, a guy that was in for embezzlement from a major insurance company. We were actually out on the equestrian course, which had been perfectly manicured by another guy that was probably also named Raul, when he started bringing up lobster bisque.

If you’re like me, you’re writing checks, not engaging in fellatio. I mean, you can engage in fellatio if that’s what you’re into. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, as I’m sure Mitzi would attest.

Tip Two: Pick up a new sport.

Equestrian is a good activity, but trust me, you’re not going to get with any hot prison guards if you smell like horse shit all the time. You want your sport to be non-committal as possible, so you’re not working up a sweat and your $4,000 cologne still is clearly noticeable regardless of your effort level. Chess is a good sport and we can’t let the Russians be the best at anything. Bocce ball can be a good alternative if you feel like meeting some interesting mobsters. But the best thing is badminton, especially if you’ve got a good partner. You can pretty much just stand there with minimal movement. I often played with a cocktail near sunset, overlooking the beautiful sky near the mountains. It was pretty good.

Tip Three: What the fuck is insider trading anyway?

Look, this isn’t really a tip but let me tell you, all trading is done inside. I tried to explain that to the asshole feds that arrested me, but they weren’t buying it. The stock market isn’t like the Arabian bazaar from Aladdin or something. There were no camels nearby. They’ve got electricity. COM-FUCKING-PUTERS. That shit needs wall sockets. It’s all inside.

Everything is an inside deal because when you’re like me, you’ve got all the money and all the connections you’ll ever need. I pick up the phone and Warren Buffet tells me which Fortune 500 CEO is blowing another one and needs to sell shit quickly before word gets out to his wife and she takes half his shit in divorce court.

Tip Four: Benefit from everyone else’s misery and debauchery.

Enough said.

Tip Five: Prison isn’t bad enough for you to keep it legal.

Come on man, you’re probably thinking that it’s gonna be like Cops. But you saw that sketch on Chappelle’s Show and you got a little worried. Trust me, there’s nothing to be worried about.

Insider trading isn’t even really a crime anyway. People want to hold up my criminal record and I’ll just hold up my portfolio and resume before I smack them in the face and write a check to avoid the assault charges.

So if you’re headed in, put your feet up, enjoy a couple of years of relaxation, and come back ready to get back to business. It’s easy, take it from me!

I’m Wearing a Suit Which Means I will FUCK YOU.

However you like your fucking, whether it be economically, mentally or just physically – there’s nothing that says “I’m going to fuck you” like wearing a suit.

Even the process of buying a suit has the word “Fuck” all over it. Some men pay tons of money for the privilege of buying a suit, just as they would pay for an expensive prostitute. Let’s be honest, buying a suit off the rack at an expensive store has the same results as buying one off the clearance rack at your local “Charlie’s House of Crap.”

Just like you’re getting the same bill of goods whether it’s Heidi Fleiss or your local purveyor of goods. The goal is to blow a load and blow a load you shall.

So what do you need to keep in mind?

–Bag your suit and bag your junk: Nothing changes the game faster than stains on your suit…or on your unit. You’ve got to protect your investment. Appearance far exceeds authenticity in every one of your approaches. I don’t care if you’re the most charismatic man alive – you still have to wear a suit to an interview. Show up in sweat pants or cowboy boots and then tell me all about the power of “influence” and “charisma.” It starts with a fucking tie and a haircut. The same thing is true when selecting discount play for pay. Sometimes, “just good enough” is a standard that will get you the best bang for your buck. But either way, keep your war wounds and your philosophy to yourself.

–Be the God of the Universe: In every one of these scenarios, you’re Rocky Balboa and you’re punching the shit out of Jesus. You’re Captain Planet and you’re spreading your righteous goodness so wide that even Lindsay Lohan would blush at your audacity (but only in one cheek). When you’re wearing that suit, you’re an unstoppable force and there is no competition. When you’re heating up discount hair pie with the combined microwave of your fogged up Toyota Camry and your raging hard-on, you’d better consume it like Bobby Flay cooked it lovingly for hours with cheese made from a Portuguese Virgin’s Breast Milk. Your attitude makes the perseverance all the more convincing. (Footnote: Do not combine this attitude with steroids in any scenario.)

–Be at Peace with your Limitations: This can also be clearly stated as, “Don’t be a bitch, bro.” When you’re wondering if people think you’re a phony in your suit, just buckle on a Bluetooth headset and start yelling at Bob about how he fucked up that multi-million dollar transaction. It’s going through whether he’s alive or not. Make children stare at you with awe in while mothers look on angrily during this conversation. You may have ruined the third grade Easter Play, but you’ve got REPUTATION now. When you’re ready to translate that screaming into five seconds of glory, you’re ready to NEGOTIATE.

Suddenly, when you’re in the car with Muffin McFucksahorse, you’re ready to play ball! When she’s carefully describing the art of how she’s double jointed and the finer points of a half-and-half, you’re going to see Bob’s face. You’re going to imagine that transaction. You’re going to be in the power position. You’re going to make her remember you. Perhaps you’ll even get a little “Leaving Las Vegas” scenario going.

Just don’t drink yourself to death. And don’t mess up your suit, for Christ sake.

How to Retain Your Trophy Wife

Let’s face it, relationships are hard. And when you’re a multi-trillionaire, they get even harder. Chances are, you’re too busy planning to crash your yacht into the seaside restaurant built by your most annoying local rival to actually put any time into thinking about what might actually make a significant other happy.

The solution is simple: find a trophy wife.

Trophy wives are just like milk: they come in varying degrees of fat, have 2% brains and you can pick them up at the grocery store. While you’re out creating business domination, a trophy wife will be entertained sitting by your pool and pondering the finer points of how there are so many diverse types of cheese in the world when it is all derived from the same animal-based source. Don’t even start talking about products made from a pig, because that’s just digging into a higher level enigma.

Just like in business, there are a few simple emotional constructs that can keep you and your trophy wife (or husband in Mitzi’s case) in line when you need a jaunt to the Bahamas with your hot new secretary.

Understanding Blame: As an enlightened multi-trillionaire, you’re never at fault for anything – even the things that you do directly. The biggest problem you have in your life is figuring out how many 0s you need on the end of the check to the victim or your lawyers to keep it under wraps. When you do something wrong, the responsibility always falls elsewhere. Tell the media in a detailed press release how you never meant for that YouTube video of you booting penguins off a glacier in Antarctica was just the clever work of vindictive editing.

The reason that people try to blame you for things is because they simply don’t understand your genius. In your extensive experience and rise to global power, you have learned to move at nearly a superhuman speed. If your trophy wife is blaming you for something, she just doesn’t understand the bigger picture. This is just the speed bump on the fast path to ultimate success. The fact is, YOU know what you are doing and if you wanted to entrust her with the big decisions, you’d probably be selling high-risk auto insurance in Helena, Montana and musing about your high-school football career.

Become a Master of Deflection: When someone brings up a valid point, it’s time to break out the big guns. Over the course of the five minute conversation you had when you were impressing her with the finer points of oysters and listening to her cry about her last boyfriend tried to run her over with his Harley on his way to see his parole officer, you likely picked up a few pieces of valuable information you can exploit.

In marketing, you’d gain this information with a client survey. In dealing with your trophy wife, you pick this up through SMALL talk (note the emphasis on “small”).

If someone is actually right in their criticism, admit the flaw while simultaneously pointing focus back to that painful childhood memory of how Lucy Whatsherface pantsed her in the third grade. Now that you’ve got her on the defensive, you can move on to the most important step of all.

Run in and save her from the “Burning Building:” While her emotions are running high and you have used your master deflection skills, save her from the mess you caused. Invite her out to a fancy $300 a plate dinner, buy her a fluffy white cat that can live in the guest bedroom or find out where Lucy Whatsherface is working right now and get her fired by offering a sizable investment in her firm. You’ve righted the wrong…so that when the wrong comes up again, you can use it in your arsenal of all the wonderful things you’ve done in the past (re-visit the “Blame” section of this article).

Now that you’ve saved the relationship, put your feet up, eat what you want and don’t be concerned about your overall sexual performance. Why? Because you can afford Viagra, stud!