Mitzi Lipshitz – Getting Down to –> DOT <

Step One: Your Training Begins Now

So I’ve been teasing you for a year and a half about the Lipshitz Formula to Bigger Better Success and More Expensive Chocolates. Consider yourself fully frustrated because I NEVER tease that long. Now, just as your wallet was turning blue from not spraying cash in my direction, here you have it fully revealed.

amsome-tattoo-fail — Oh yes you are amsome! You’ll make a million just for creating the word!

Step One in the Lipshitz Formula to Bigger Better Success and More Expensive Chocolates

You may think you are failing. You aren’t. Just keep doing it.

Too many people stop when their sales are dropping, their spouses are leaving and their liver is rotting away into a tiny mass incapable of processing a thing. That’s when you are closest to success, baby! Those people are quitters! They assume if they are hemorrhaging cash, have no place to live, have not a stick of furniture to their name and are drinking a case of the cheapest beer available a day that they have hit rock bottom. Oh no, honey. That’s when you are about to go up, up, up.

#1: Change is never the answer – Whatever you do, no matter how hard people beg you to… no matter how many significant others you lose, opportunities that pass you by and erections you fail to get – NEVER CHANGE! Change is exactly what you do have but if you shake things up the slightest little bit, it’s all you will have in the future. Keep losing, keep boozing, keep punching people in the face and your odds will even out.

#2: Surround yourself with people less intelligent than you – Now, for some this might be hard, but the most precious truffles are buried in shit. Wallow in it as deep as you can. Associate with and hire people who live with their mothers, chronic alcoholics and drug users and, if you can find all three that can’t hold a job, you have hit PAYDIRT! These people are RIPE for molding and just as I urge YOU to never change, it’s important you don’t ask them to either. Acceptance is the core of a healthy company culture. Mold them into your cook, your housekeeper, your gardener – whatever suits your needs and their only talent.

#3: Break the law but don’t get caught – This one is important. Some of the most successful corporate moguls, motivational speakers and government officials live by this rule every day. It’s only punishable if you get caught. Just think about the last time you ran a red light and no cop was around. Sure the smell of burned rubber was in the air, but you got out of there lickety split. That’s what you need to do. Search for every semi loophole and stretch it like the newbie at the whore house. Then, if someone does accuse you, refer to Chip’s philosophy of deflecting blame. After all, it’s never your fault and you haven’t failed until you get caught, get arrested and lose your conjugal visits.

#4: Master these words: I’m sorry – Puppy dog eyes work too. See, you are NEVER to change but you ALWAYS need to PROMISE to change. I’m sorry works wonders. If that doesn’t work, flowers. If that doesn’t work – throw a princess party for the bitch and make her feel like a queen. Gifts work too. Although if you don’t have money that might be hard, so you better keep your ears open for Step Two.

If you want step two, give me money now.

Kids and the O

YBC_0611_300x250_final_frame — I'm such a big kid. I have never outgrown the need for the O.

Inspiration doesn’t come often and, when it does, you just have to hit it hard. Particularly when you consider what the breakfast food favorite, Cheerios, and orgasms have in common. Unless, you are REALLY into your breakfast food — hey, some people are, don’t judge — you don’t really make a clear link between Cheerios and orgasms. But, thanks to a few advertising gurus I don’t have the pleasure (yet) of being associated with, now there is a very clear connection between breakfast, Cheerios, orgasms and kids!

According to their latest campaign, “kids never outgrow the big O.” Now THIS makes me want to eat some Cheerios. Automatically I just started waxing reminiscent about those childhood big Os. Big Os are an important part of life. It’s how I became the person I am today. I didn’t expect Cheerios to remind me about how advanced I was in the big O department. I’d have them every morning if I could. School just wasn’t right without the big O.

This campaign just puts a big smile on my face. Hmmm… been awhile since I’ve had a big O. Perhaps I should invite Chip over for breakfast.

Enjoy your life. Have as many big Os as you can handle and then have some more. Cheerios wouldn’t want it any other way.

Live it. Love it. Give me money.

Go Ahead – Be a Cunt

CUNT - Charisma, Uniqueness, Nerve and Talent: You can be one and have it too!

Getting on stage for me, after I’ve punched the person who has just introduced me, of course, is like a first kiss: weak in the knees, butterflies, heart palpitations and it really turns me on! People often ask where I get my on stage personality, charisma and charm – it’s simple! And now, for no charge at all (I am so altruistic) I am going to tell you my secret. If you are into drag queens, you already know it. Yes, that’s right. I, Mitzi Lipshitz, goddess of the stage, coined the phrase that Rupaul now uses all over the place: Charisma, Uniqueness, Nerve and TALENT! Whether you are a male or female speaker, you have to be a real cunt on stage to see the cash fall at your feet.

Charisma: Now that you are on the pedestal of gods, you have to hold the attention of all of the peons staring up at you in adoration. That’s where charisma comes in. Whenever possible, dig up a hokey old story about your upbringing in bum-fuck middle of Nowhereville, Hicktown, Anywhere-ville USA. The yokels love a homegrown person who is just like them. Oh, you know you aren’t just like them though. You are superhuman, but they don’t have to know about that. For all they know you could have been that sweet little one sitting in the middle of the class, listening intently, just as they were – you just took a little different path and BY DOG you can get them there too.

Uniqueness: I went out on stage in a chicken suit once. That whole San Diego Chicken Fight? TOTALLY ripped off from me as I linebackered Tony Robbins. (Oh yeah, I was also sleeping with him at the time…I’m pretty sure he grabbed my ass in front of the whole room after I knocked him down.) The key is to be different than anyone else in the sea of people who profess to know more than the general population. Find your own chicken suit. Maybe Pennywise the Clown suits your teaching style better. Nothing says “can do” attitude like a bright shiny stage get up, a relentless pursuit of your victims… um… audience and a great catch phrase – Don’t Cha Want IT?

Nerve:Stomp those butterflies, to get what you want you need NERVE! Now some of you might woos out. You might lay down those terms and then stand idly by as some stage promoter tries to whittle you down on your booking fee. They might point to your last drunken arrest at a standing room only stadium event, which limited your ability to form words while on stage. Don’t let them point back at you! Although drunk, it was the best show ever and your introduction of an alcohol-based product went over very well and you shot it into the crowd. Yeah, it was a Mormon convention but so WHAT? Mormons like to party too. Just look at how many wives they have! Girl Party!!!!!

Talent: You have to have more talent in the tip of your pinkie finger than most people have in their whole bodies. And, baby, you should see what I can do with that pinkie finger! Talent is essential if you want to stand on your two feet and get people to throw money at you. I can’t tell you how to have talent. It’s like the gods, there were only so many of them, they only socialized with themselves and the god who pursued a mortal is now relegated to looking like a fat baby with a soggy diaper. Moral of the story: If you are a superstar, you need to only be surrounded by superstars or you will end up looking like you are walking around with a pile in your pants.

Live it. Love it. Tie it in a knot with your tongue like a cherry stem. Now give this cunt some money.

Team Building 101

If your company's sexual harassment policy doesn't work for you, revise it and distribute it to your team. — If your company's sexual harassment policy doesn't work for you, revise it and redistribute it to your team.

Another side effect to Bigger Better Success is getting stuff for free when you can afford to pay for it. All it took was one “private coaching session” with a movie theatre mogul and I got a fat $100k fee and free movies for life. I cashed in on one of those freebies this weekend by seeing Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol. What I saw, reminded me be about team work, building teams and why you need one that positively FEARS YOU if you are going to have Bigger Better Success and More Expensive Chocolates. Sneak those chocolates into a free movie and you have a double whammy of success. As my good friend and coaching client Charlie Sheen would say, “Winning!”

Here are five of my best strategies for developing winning, money-making, teams. Yeah, you are getting them for free. You can thank me for my generosity by buying something immediately:

#1: Hire the inexperienced: One of the biggest expenses you will sustain as an entrepreneur is hiring a team of experts to help you out. But you don’t have the hire the best to demand what you want! Don’t hire a bookkeeper. Hire your cousin’s husband. Sure, he can’t do math very well, but his wife said he’s good with money and needs a job. You can give him a job, underpay him, and make your family very happy in the process. Try this across the board. You don’t have to hire family to hire the inexperienced or others previous employers have labeled as inept. Look for resumes with huge gaps in employment, long histories of self-employment with multiple businesses. Florist, consignment shop owner, magazine publisher, Mary Kay salesperson… perfect resume for your next Vice President! Giving an intern fresh out of college a big title and working them 80 hours a week is also acceptable. Use them creatively! Janitor, office errand boy, personal foot masseuse… it’s a LEARNING experience!

#2: Put them in danger: Team building begins when there’s a little risk involved. Get your Human Resources department to assign a team building event: suggested duties – repainting the eaves of your building, resurfacing your parking lot, rappelling down the side of the building for charity, retrieving gold rings off the bottom of an outdoor pool in the middle of winter. Watch your team spring into action to catch falling colleagues, running for shock blankets and showing a level of personal care and concern for one another that most managers WISH they could achieve.

#3: Tease them relentlessly: Nothing is off limits when you have a close team. Tease them about anything and everything. Invite them out for a departmental dinner and tease them about the way they eat. Make fun of their hair, their makeup, their clothes. Friends poke each other in the ribs while teasing so be sure to do that… the harder the better. Soon you will all be laughing like old chums. Now, the chain of command needs to be respected here. In NO WAY are they then allowed to turn around and tease YOU or anyone above them. This is a top down privilege intended to motivate underlings to promote more quickly. If they can’t handle it, they will quit. But if they do quit, who cares? Just go back up to team building suggestion #1!

#4: Fight for the hell of it: One of the moves that made me a household name was the moment I punched my then boss, now lover, now ex-husband’s wife at the company Christmas party. That uppercut to the chin followed by a mighty heel to the throat was the beginning of something beautiful, the light of knowledge that comes from the power surge of starting a fight. You don’t need a reason. Just turn to a co-worker and punch! The harder the better… because like the lions in a pride, you are fighting for dominance. When I walk on stage, you will see this signature move. I walk on stage to my theme music “Material Girl,” and then I deliver a right hook to the jaw or breast (depending on gender) of the emcee or speaker before me. It brings people to their FEET! And when you start punching your team members for no reason, they will bow before you. Try it… then send me your videos.

#5: Whenever possible, flirt: Men, women, it doesn’t matter. If you aren’t punching them then you need to be flirting with them. It’s the only way your superiors will bend you over and give you that deep knowledge you so fully deserve. Just ask Chip Businessface how I got HIS attention. Ladies, if you get the attention of the right man, you won’t have to work another day in your life. That’s just how it is. If you are a guy, make it clear that sexual harassment is NOT a term that applies to you. If necessary, open up your HR document and edit it to suit your level of satisfaction. Redistribute the new policy to your team and you are set. Relentless flirting is how business gets DONE!

Live it. Love it. Embrace it. Give me money.