Let’s face it, relationships are hard. And when you’re a multi-trillionaire, they get even harder. Chances are, you’re too busy planning to crash your yacht into the seaside restaurant built by your most annoying local rival to actually put any time into thinking about what might actually make a significant other happy.
The solution is simple: find a trophy wife.
Trophy wives are just like milk: they come in varying degrees of fat, have 2% brains and you can pick them up at the grocery store. While you’re out creating business domination, a trophy wife will be entertained sitting by your pool and pondering the finer points of how there are so many diverse types of cheese in the world when it is all derived from the same animal-based source. Don’t even start talking about products made from a pig, because that’s just digging into a higher level enigma.
Just like in business, there are a few simple emotional constructs that can keep you and your trophy wife (or husband in Mitzi’s case) in line when you need a jaunt to the Bahamas with your hot new secretary.
Understanding Blame: As an enlightened multi-trillionaire, you’re never at fault for anything – even the things that you do directly. The biggest problem you have in your life is figuring out how many 0s you need on the end of the check to the victim or your lawyers to keep it under wraps. When you do something wrong, the responsibility always falls elsewhere. Tell the media in a detailed press release how you never meant for that YouTube video of you booting penguins off a glacier in Antarctica was just the clever work of vindictive editing.
The reason that people try to blame you for things is because they simply don’t understand your genius. In your extensive experience and rise to global power, you have learned to move at nearly a superhuman speed. If your trophy wife is blaming you for something, she just doesn’t understand the bigger picture. This is just the speed bump on the fast path to ultimate success. The fact is, YOU know what you are doing and if you wanted to entrust her with the big decisions, you’d probably be selling high-risk auto insurance in Helena, Montana and musing about your high-school football career.
Become a Master of Deflection: When someone brings up a valid point, it’s time to break out the big guns. Over the course of the five minute conversation you had when you were impressing her with the finer points of oysters and listening to her cry about her last boyfriend tried to run her over with his Harley on his way to see his parole officer, you likely picked up a few pieces of valuable information you can exploit.
In marketing, you’d gain this information with a client survey. In dealing with your trophy wife, you pick this up through SMALL talk (note the emphasis on “small”).
If someone is actually right in their criticism, admit the flaw while simultaneously pointing focus back to that painful childhood memory of how Lucy Whatsherface pantsed her in the third grade. Now that you’ve got her on the defensive, you can move on to the most important step of all.
Run in and save her from the “Burning Building:” While her emotions are running high and you have used your master deflection skills, save her from the mess you caused. Invite her out to a fancy $300 a plate dinner, buy her a fluffy white cat that can live in the guest bedroom or find out where Lucy Whatsherface is working right now and get her fired by offering a sizable investment in her firm. You’ve righted the wrong…so that when the wrong comes up again, you can use it in your arsenal of all the wonderful things you’ve done in the past (re-visit the “Blame” section of this article).
Now that you’ve saved the relationship, put your feet up, eat what you want and don’t be concerned about your overall sexual performance. Why? Because you can afford Viagra, stud!